Due tomorrow and still feeling sad

[bodhi]

I hate feeling this way! I'm so angry with myself. I wish I could come back and say that I'm in love with my little boy and I can't wait to meet him and that the GD has gotten easier, but I don't feel that way. I'm just ready to be done. There's so much excitement around me (and at least 4 friends expecting their little girls within the next 2 months) and I'm still not able to accept that I'm a boy mom. We didn't tell anyone that we're expecting another boy, so I'm scared of the reactions I know we'll get. Everyone keeps making comments about how amazing it will be if it's a girl, and I feel like crap because I've known since December that it's not. I thought I would be less heartbroken with time, but I'm not. I wish I could go back and really enjoy this pregnancy, but it's too late. This had been a really dark time, and I don't ever want to repeat it. I keep hoping that my feelings will change when I meet him, but they didn't the last time, so I don't feel very hopeful.

I feel so sorry for my baby. He deserves a better mother who loves him and is excitedly waiting for his arrival. He deserves to be held by a mother who's head over heels in love with him, and I'm scared that I don't have it in me. My husband deserves a wife who actually wants to be a part of the life and family we've created together, but I just can't get past the disappointment.

I don't know what kind of response I'm hoping for, I just needed to say it. I'm terrified of having this baby. Thanks for listening.

[MatildaMai]

Couldn't read and run..... I'm so sorry you've had a miserable pregnancy. It's never much fun at the best of times. I had GD when I found out my twins were both boys but I was lucky and it pretty much lifted after the birth. I think the hormones were a big part of it for me. You will start to feel better once he's born. And even if you don't feel that immediate love and bond - it will happen over time as you get to know him. Sometimes it can take a while, so in the meantime make sure you surround yourself with support and positive people. And look after yourself. Do what makes you feel better. Those first 8wks or so are always tough. If you need anti-depressants or help to get through it, please seek it out.

I think the fact that you feel sorry for you baby and that you think he deserves the best - including a mother who adores him and is excited about his arrival is proof that you already love him and want the best for him. I think becoming a parent, whether its for the 1st time or the 4th time, is a scary thing. This is a new person who is entirely and absolutely reliant on you and your husband for everything, and its a huge responsibility.

You will put your disappointment aside and step up because that's what mother's do. And I know from the things you've said that you wished you felt - and that you want to feel - that you are a great mother. Really hope its a lovely birth and that you feel better soon. MMx

[mydream]

Oh I wish I could give you a giant hug. I know how hard this is for you! I had a terrible time when I found out ds2 was a boy! But I will tell you this I live him more than I ever imagined! You will love this new baby- I promise ! Safe delivery and peace!

[Butterfly Spirit]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way I also had a hard time when I found out that DS#2 was a boy, I had to mourn even. I asked God if it was a girl before the ultrasound..But God told me "You have to be patient.. and he will bring you more JOY than you can even imagine." It was true. More true than I could have ever imagined. I tell him he is my heart and soul, all the time!
So you have one son then? I promise you that when you see the joy he has when his brother comes, your heart will just melt. And you will bond to this little one, and he will just love his mamma, and when he nurses for the first time, it's just a moment that cannot be explained. I just tear up thinking about it. I think you will be surprised. But we will all be here to help you afterwards if you need it!

[Myloves]

Vent away... it feels so much better to get everything off your chest. I know exactly where you're coming from. Your post reminded me so much of my own feelings just before I had Ds2. As far as I was concerned the day I heard he was a boy, I felt disappointed and thought some very dark thoughts - to the point where I regretted getting pregnant. And you know what? I didn't even bond properly with him at birth either. I loved him on sight, but I didn't have the same 'rush of love' feeling that I did with my first son. I think alot of the reason for that was because I had terrible ppd after he was born. It took me longer to fall deeply in love with him, but when I did it was truely one of the best moments of my life .
But now? - now we are very close! He's my little guy, my sweetest easiest boy I love everything about him and I wouldn't swap him for anything. My two boys have a close bond; they play games with each other, sing songs together (well ds2 sings, ds1 plays his drums) and I will always feel blessed that they have each other.
Your boy will teach you so much - he will show you that despite feeling upset and terrified right now, you will adore him so much that your gd will vanish even if it isn't straightaway. Sometimes I look at my 5 year old son and marvel that I ever felt sad about that sweet boy. Someday, you'll look at your own son and think the same way. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I can promise you that.

[bodhi]

Thanks for your replies, reading them definitely made me feel a little bit less lonely. I'm still waiting for my baby to make an appearance, and I'm feeling slightly more positive. I really hope that I'm going to be able to come back within the next week or so and gush about how amazing my new little boy is. Thanks again for your replies, I'll keep you posted.

[Butterfly Spirit]

I was thinking about you today trying to find this thread!!!

I'm so glad we could help. EEK it's so exciting he is almost here!
Keep us updated on your sweet little bundle of BLUE!
I just know you'll be in love when you see him!

[wocket]

This post is just what i needed to read today. All the positive comments! Hope all is well with your new baby boy!

[KnockYourBallsOff]

I totally get it! We all do! Praying that you will deliver soon and that slowly your emotions will heal. I'm only 13 weeks and don't even know what I'm having yet....but I've already spoken to my dr. and will be on anti-depressents soon after birth if it's a boy. My dr. is understanding and DH is too, suprisingly. We're going team green. I'm just putting it all out there these days for people and my dr. and DH....and guess what? EVERYONE feels similar to us! Don't feel alone! We love you! We're here when you need to chat!!!

[moof4]

goodluck with the birth of your baby, other peoples perceptions of the perfect family can have such a profound effect on us. I have three boys and not sure but i think i am expecting no.4, when he is born i hope i have the strength not to take on board all of the comments and focus purely on baby.

xx