Saying goodbye

[rainbowflower]

I just want to say goodbye and thank you to everyone I've chatted with on here over the last year or so. Thank you for your support, comfort, and wisdom.

We had a scan a couple of weeks ago and found out we're having another boy (with a big winky, no denying it!), so despite my best sway (given that I am BF so that restricted some things I could do) and despite having mainly pink nub guesses, the little blue swimmer chose me as his mummy! I lost a lot of weight during my sway and was actually underweight at the time of conception, so couldn't have continued any longer on the diet and couldn't have lost more weight.. I thought we had a good shot at it, but I'm in no way disappointed in him and I can have no regrets.
I'm sure he is destined for great things as I really believe fate intended him for us, and very excited to meet him. He wriggles all the time, and now we've named him I feel a bond already.

I had a few days of grieving for the little girl I will probably never have now - at the moment we couldn't afford a 3rd child although we would both love 3-4 children, so I have to try and make peace with never having a girl and if the situation changes we will decide about TTC (and swaying) again then knowing there's still a good chance I will never hear pink. I think deep down I never thought I'd be lucky enough to get a girl anyway... but actually I still do feel lucky.

I felt lost for a while, not knowing what to fill my life with now as so much of it has been dwelling on babies/TTC/dreaming, and I felt a hold had been left in my life. However, I'm planning to do more creative things such as craft/cake decoration.

I already love my new little boy and I loved him since before we knew who he was. A girl might have been "perfect for me", but a little boy is probably "perfect for my family" and I feel so proud that I can give my little boy a brother.

It'll be 3+ years before I can even think about trying again and I feel I've already wasted a year of my life (worse, of my son's life) wishing for things I don't have, so I'm going to take a step away so I can enjoy the things I do have!
I hope by the time I *might* need to know these things again there is a lot more info and knowledge to gleam and that I'll know how fab it is to have more than one boy and that another boy would just add to the love and happiness and fun! Maybe some of you will still be around... although hopefully not still TTCing! If there is a next time, I'm definitely staying team yellow. Finding out has been too much stress for me and I realise part of what I love about pregnancy is all the surprises so I feel like I've opened my Christmas pressie early.

I do feel surprisingly calm and content at the moment, but keeping reading about swaying/gender desire/disappointment won't help me move forwards at all. I didn't expect to feel this peace so soon, but I am!

I read a book on Gender Disappointment before my gender scan (haven't read any of it since), but one analogy springs to mind and I'll paraphrase it from memory and I think I should share it:
You've always wanted to go to Rome your whole life, everyone else seems to be going to Rome and telling you how great it is there, all the wonderful things you can see and do/there, you see all the photos of Rome, etc. So you plan to go there and buy the tourist guide book to Rome, book your flights, and when you are on the plane you are told that the flights to Rome are cancelled and that you are being diverted to Amsterdam instead. When you land in Amsterdam you're still thinking about Rome and hearing people talking about Rome, and wishing you were there. You don't notice all the wonderful things you can see/do in Amsterdam and don't realise that Amsterdam is, really, just as beautiful and special even though it isn't where you imagined you'd end up.

So, I'm in Amsterdam... and I'm going to try and enjoy it without wishing my life away. I've been to Amsterdam, actually it's lovely there!

Good luck to everyone getting their dream genders! I genuinely wish you all the luck and hope you have smooth journeys!

[nuthinbutpink]

Oh, rainbow. I'm sorry you didn't see girl. My second DD was the hardest for me but I've learned this with hindsight- I would take 2 of the same over a PP every day of the week and twice on Sunday. It's an awesome gift to give your son and they will be the best of friends.

I hope you'll check in with us. I'd love to hear of any updates. I understand moving on for now and if you need us, we will be here.

[rainbowflower]

thanks NBP! I know you're right, a two-pair definitely feels more sensible and like it'll "fit" better! I'll keep checking in I expect, but infrequently, and probably post a photo of him when he's born so I can introduce him to you lot.


oh, and the psychics were wrong too! feel like a fool for having got my hopes up because of them lol

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm so sorry Rainbow. I think you have a great attitude and brothers are great to raise. Wishing you the very best of luck in all things and I do hope you can pop in and update us when your little guy is here.

[Mochagirl]

Rainbow - what a great analogy. I agree that this little boy is meant to be a part of your family and is destined for great things. The brother bond is beautiful to experience as well.

We will all miss you very much and I wish you the very, very best

[Butterfly Spirit]

Rainbow, You were the first person to welcome me to GD with open arms. You always gave me good advice and cheered me on, and I'm really sad to see you go my friend, you will be dearly missed. Please come check back every once in awhile and please take care! Like I have said you will melt when DS#2 arrives. Having two boys is twice the fun, twice the sweet personality, and twice the cuddles with mamma, I wouldn't trade my little B pie for the most gorgeous baby girl on earth! I can't wait until your little man arrives. Please come see us later on this year, and share a picture and maybe your experience with us.

[deaks66]

Rainbow, you are going to love having two boys more than you will ever know at the moment. I also have that feeling of wasting a whole year of my life (and like you say, more importantly my two precious boys lives) but at least you know you tried. I am expecting boy number three and the gd has been no worse than with ds2 (and believe me, i had my fair share of teary days back then) as i know how i fell head over heels in love with ds2 when he was born... and believe me, i did not think that was going to happen. All the best!

[girlmom]

i won't say im sorry, im going to say congrats! it took me 10 years to get what you so easily have created. 2 boys is amazing, my dream family. way to go mama! i know you are upset now but once your boys start playing together and get a bit older you will see how wonderful 2 of the same gender are. ( wait til you see 5 of the same gender! even better)

[Indira]

Ah Rainbow you made me cry..
I´m glad your feeling peace and are enjoying him wriggling inside you.
I understand and admire your decision to focus on what you do have, but we will all miss you!
All the best!

[zanacal]

I'm sorry we won't see you so much and that a girl isn't on the cards at this point but congratulations on a baby boy! I can honestly say I've never been jealous of pigeon pairs because the bond I see between my boys is amazing. You'll know exactly what I mean in a year or two and I know you'll feel blessed too. Take care x