The end of the line...how to move on?

[4devochki]

I don't know if there's anyone out there who has faced this, as I can see why you would stop coming here and close the whole page on this subject as much as you can...but still, here goes:

I'm too old to have any more of my own genetic children (46), and pre-eclampsia in my last PG and borderline high BP makes even a donor egg PG a bad idea. DH was willing to consider adoption...from Russia, but that's now closed. A special needs or trans-racial adoption he won't go for, not at all. And our four children are two more than he ever wanted anyway.

It may be time for me to come to terms with the idea that I will never have my son. I've spent the last 5 years, since the birth of our last girls, plotting, researching, comparing, dreaming, planning, proposing and begging. The dream of getting our boy has kept me going, kept me alive. And now that it looks like it won't happen (it hurts physically even to type this) I feel totally hollow inside, or on the verge of tears all the time, like someone whose skin has been stripped off and every breath of air puts fire to your nerves. I'm not trying to be dramatic here, but it's truly agonizing. DH doesn't get it, he really doesn't.

So I'm kind of desperately hoping someone can shine some light at the end of this dark tunnel. I know the contingent here is mostly younger, fertile, and in a different space. Still...anyone?

[luckylass]

Hi, I am not in the same situation as you but after reading your post my heart really goes out to you and I just wanted to ask is there any chance you could look at adopting from somewhere besides Russia or is it just out of the question now altogether? I really hope by some miracle you get your boy or you manage to come to terms with your Gender disappointment as you sound like you are having such a hard time.

[4devochki]

Thank you Lucky. It helps to have understanding ears/eyes out there, it really does.

DH says he won't do it. He was raised in a different culture and is not open to parenting either children of other races or children with disabilities. I am trying to be a good faithful wife, and not resent him...but I do. And even hate him at times. Got to stop that and be grateful for what I have.

All the best to you as your family grows, truly.

[HopeandDreamG]

I think adoption is still a possibility. It sounds like you are assuming adoption means another race or one with a disability. Not the case.
Also I would seek professional help I mean that in the nicest way. I think it's really helpful to find out a
The importance of what having a son would bring to you and figuring out how to get that need met another way iykwim.

[Mrs_P]

My heart really goes out to you and i know exactly how that longing feels (only in reverse). I think for some women its something that you just don't deal with (whereas others can and move on) you just need to keep going until you reach your dream, which i know is not easy. i tried so hard to move on but yet here i am its something i never managed to let go of.

Adoption abroad does not have to mean a different race or a child with a disabilty, there are plenty of countries that share a cultural link and people would not know that the child was not yours unless you told them if a good match is made. My wider family has experiences of adoption to in a couple of cases but these were positive experiences in which the children got lives they'd never have dreamt of otherwise and loving families.

Just because your husband has a past history he struggled with does not mean you will repeat the same issues both you and the child are all different people, although i can't blame him for reservations. My parents were both my natural parents yet i had a really bad childhood at times and although it worries me sometimes i am not mother and my husband is not my father so hopefully we will not repeat the mistakes on our children.

As another option, have you considered a surrogate - that way you could choose the donor and use your husbands sperm and have a child with a genetic link to you. Since they use donor eggs in ivf/pgd i presume you could use a surrogate to?

[HopeandDreamG]

MrsP- yay a girl!! Think I missed even the bfp. Was off line for awhile and since have even on the HT side. Congrats

[aimee83]

Hi!! I am pregnant worth my 3rd girl, and we are done. I wouldn't mind trying 1 more time, but my hubby says we are done, with the expense of 3. Im just trying to look towards the future and keep thinking maybe 1 of my beautiful girls will give me a grandson some day. It's hard to think about. But it is what it is, and god gave us what he thinks is right for our family

[4devochki]

Thanks everyone for the replies and the support. Aimee I wish I had your faith. Mrs. P, the idea of a surrogate is something DH brought up on his own...and I shot it down. I probably shouldn't have. It feels/felt much less ethical and moral than giving a home to an already-born and abandoned child, but I guess if I really, really want this boy I may have to compromise?

Regarding surrogacy, another part of me says that the little girls are already 5, and I'm no young minnie, and so adding infants to the family is not the right thing...but then again, people do it, right? You see lots of women here in Russia with a 20-year old...and then a couple of pre-school kids. Those are usually second marriages, though. But heck, why not be open to the idea, I ask myself?

You ladies have given me some thinking to do.

[Mrs_P]

With surrogacy i thought it maybe easier for your husband to deal with as the baby would have a genetic link to him (i think most mothers find it easier to love any child and to have an open mind and heart) it would also rule out a lot of the unknown and potential problems with adoption and not knowing a history or a genetic link. If it is something he is open to maybe its the way for you to achieve your dream.

On the age front, i know being an older mom is not for everyone but then neither is being a younger mom. I know a couple of women who have kids in their late 40's my best friend being one of them and although she worried about what people think no-one has ever said anything to her and she is a fab mom! In my opinion age is just a number, its more about the person, my mom at 50 keeps with my boys and can single handedly handle my bunch no problems. But then i know some people younger than her that struggle to kneal on the floor. You have a been mom before, you know what its all about and its not something that you will enter into lightly so ignore everyone else and make the decision that is right for you and your family x

[luckylass]

I typed up a reply but my laptop lost it before posting, but I wanted to say pretty much what Mrs_P said. It is worth just thinking about as from your posts it is clear you long for your little boy so badly.