Shocked with myself...

[Fae]

I am so disappointed in myself for feeling this way. I never pictured myself with boys to be honest. When I got pregnant the first time and found out it was a boy I was bummed but knew we'd try again. Once he was born he instantly became the light and love of my life.

He is 4 and I am 16 weeks pregnant. Everyone kept telling me it was a girl and I kept insisting it was a boy. I told everyone I didn't care and even though deep down I knew how terribly I wanted a girl I tried really hard to convince myself. After all I couldn't possibly love my son more. Last week I had an ultrasound and found definitely another boy. I am so embarrassed to admit I'm crushed. I had no idea I would feel this way. I feel terribly guilty and although we have already agreed to try one more time I am scared I'm not bonding with the baby.

I just wasn't expecting to feel this way. I knew I'd be disappointed by this is borderline depression. Please tell me this can be normal and I will move past it. I had so much girl stuff that I had saved for years and years even from High School. I got rid of most of it while bawling my eyes out.

I have a wonderful life full of amazing family and friends a healthy wonderful child with one on the way. Getting pregnant was so easy for me. I keep thinking that I have so much more than I deserve and no one gets everything they want. Even though we may try again I'm trying to find a way to let go of this dream and appreciate my wonderful life.

It's not working though and I'm a wreck of guilt disappointment and feeling so selfish.
Thanks for listening.... It's nice to get it out.

[RedCanoe]

Every single one of us on this forum has felt this way or we would not be here. *hugs*

Your desire for a girl may not go away, but you will bond with and love your little boy, don't worry about that. And you will love seeing your boys together too - really there is nothing cuter than two little boys playing together. You are giving your DS1 a wonderful gift.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. It will get better!

[nuthinbutpink]

We've all been there. We have an entire website and community dedicated to helping those like yourself.

It was the same for me. My first, I was bummed but moved past it but the second was a blow. I cried for a long time.

It gets better. I can see now that a same-gender sibling is about the best gift you can give your children(IMO). It is a blessing but like a lot of blessings, not one immediately seen or felt.

If you're open to more children, there's swaying or high tec gender selection via IVF. You will feel better with time and you've given your sons an incredible gift.

We understand though. It's a mourning for something you hope, wish and dream for and it can feel like a death of sorts. It does get better. Promise.

[Adia]

You are in good company. As the others said, we can all relate. Without question we are all super moms who love our babies to pieces, but at the same time we all long for a specific gender for a myriad of reasons.

Don't be hard on yourself, it doesn't help and what you are feeling is completely acceptable.

Do be selective about who you share these feelings with IRL as the majority of people are not able to separate our longing for a certain gender from our efforts as good mothers.

Mourn as you need to and know we all care and understand.

Don't give up on your dreams...anything is possible!!

Hugs mama!

[KidAtHeart]

I could have written every word of your post. I felt totally blind-sided by my emotions with the second half of my pregnancy with DS2. The good news is, once he is born, you will bond with him immediately. You will have already dealt with all of your guilt and depression and you'll see how you completely fall for him right away. And maybe you'll have a third! Try to enjoy the good parts of your pregnancy and his infancy, and don't worry - everything you are feeling is completely normal.

I also agree - I would not overshare with anyone in real life about what you are feeling. Even your closest friends might not understand. Come here and vent to us! That's why we're here!

[Fae]

Ugh I wrote a long reply I must not have done it right. I can't thank you enough for the support. I've been very careful not to share these feelings but its so important not to feel alone!

[Dollydot]

You remind me of me with DS2 all i can say is you will get over this. In my experience as the weeks went by it got better and better until when he was finally in my arms i was totally healed..

[1+2+3boys]

I so understand. Even though you want three alot rides on that second child. Because if it is what you were hoping for then you can just relax and be done with all those emotions and what ever will be will be for number three. But if it is not you face the very real possiblity that it might not happen for you and you may end up with three of the same. I was feeling like this when I got pregnant with number two. Then it turned out to be twin boys! I was very disapointed with myself because for a whole week I felt really depressed and lost all excitement for the pregnancy. But once that shock has worn off it gets easier and as your due date approaches you WILL be excited about meeting your baby boy. My boys turn one soon and they are so wonderful, I wouldn't change them for anything (but I must admit I did decide on the day of their scan that I probably would have one more because I was not ready to give up my dream)

[Fae]

That's the thing two was the original plan. As soon as we found out we both wanted a third :/ DH is secretly pretty bummed to. He confirmed it by sending me a link to the shettles method. I HATE that we are thinking about another pregnancy instead of enjoying this one. Once he is here I'm sure I will hate myself for these feelings but they are what they are I can't wish or rationalize them away. I'm trying to take the advice and not be so hard on myself. If I were talking to someone else in my shoes I would tell them feelings aren't right or wrong they just are. Allow yourself to have them and work through them without judgment. I know I'm not alone and that helps a lot

[Fae]

Had a window of feeling incredibly excited to meet him and hold him. In that moment I already knew I wouldn't change things if I could. The moment passed feeling awful again. But that was proof to me that this will go away and who knows maybe I am meant to have 3 children and that was the reason.