I miss her so much

[Dana-Alicia]

I met my friend online about 5 years ago, we only met once due to the distance, but speak online a lot. We had both lost our daughters during pregnancy due to the same abnormality our girls had. As heartbreaking as it was to know someone else was going through this, it did help to have someone there who knew exactly what I was going through. We really supported each other through out the years and kept the memory of our girls alive. Last month I think I had another miscarriage, as I was late for a few days (which is not unusual but it did give me hope) and when my period came it was really bad with cramping and a huge blob coming out. It's happened before and my test went from slightly positive to white in days. This time I didn't test, but I had a hunch I was pregnant and the little one didn't stick. It's ok, chemicals suck but I'd rather lose it now then later on like with my baby girl. But it does hurt to know this could have been my dream girl. And even so, my hubby really wants to wait a few years before we go HT for several reasons (breastfeeding, finances, immigration first and young kids, can't handle another one right now) and rationally I agree, but in my heart it's a different story...

Now back to my friend. She had two boys, like me, after her daughter. And now this morning she told me she is pregnant again and she's having a little girl. She is so happy and so am I! I'm so so happy for her. And I'm so heartbroken for me. I'm not jealous, it's not like that. I want her to be happy, she deserves it so much after all the heartbreak. But I feel like my dream will never come true. And even if it does, I'm not getting my baby back. And neither will my friend. She would have been six now, this year she would have started writing me little notes full of cute little mistakes and little scribbles and hearts. Now my son makes me those and it's so cute and heartwarming. And I miss her. I miss her so much sometimes it feels like I can't breathe, it hurts so much. Sorry for rambling, I hope I'm making any sense here... I know there is nothing you can do for me, but I guess it helps to let it out as nobody around me really understands and irl I find it hard to share my feelings.

[nuthinbutpink]

Totally understand. You are a good friend.

[The Anchor]

I'm so sorry, a loss like that just cuts to the bone. You know, it was probably very hard for her to tell you, knowing where you both are you. She sounds like a great friend to have. I hope you are able to find peace somehow.

[SoulSister]

Thinking of you xxx

[Dana-Alicia]

Thanks girls...

[Adia]

I'm not sure a loss of that type ever heals. I can imagine that you wanted the world to stop turning the day you lost her so that you could be closer to her.

Undoubtedly your little angel watches over you everyday.

I'm sorry.....

[Dana-Alicia]

You're right, it never completely heals. I have found a way to live life without her, but it will never be the same. I guess it's getting used to this new role, being a mother without her child, is something so hard getting used to. Most days I do fine, I can cope. And some days yes I do want the world to stop. Every day that goes by, is a day that I am further away from her. At the same time it's a day closer to her, for us to be reunited again.

[emmake]

So sorry… this is a loss that never heals but I'm sure your little angel girl watches over you and one day you'll get a daughter who will of course will not replace your little angel in the sky but will hopefully fill in the emptiness. Many blessings and fingers crossed your girl dream will come true very soon. X

[4 blues~hopingforpink~]

I'm so sorry.. I know its not easy. I to experienced a late loss, the grief will always be with you, but time will heal the pain. She is now an angel with my angel looking over us and will help us along the way ♥ Its good you have someone to talk to about it that has been through it, having that with her can help u both get through the loss together.

[colorinme]

I think what seems worse is that your friend is getting her girl and u have to wait a bit longer. Sometimes life seems unfair, but I know that everything works out for good. So sorry about your loss, it never goes away. Always remember that u have an angel in heaven watching over U and DH, your boys, and yea her future sister too.