My story - a complete honest account

[Pbn3]

I am writing this as a farewell as such, for awhile or forever I don't know. I'm not even sure why I'm doing it. Maybe someone will read it and think 'that's me!' and it may be of some small help. Maybe I'm doing it for selfish reasons, I carry so much guilt and maybe this is my 'coming clean'? and you are the unfortunate people having to read it.

I'll start with today. Today I went and seen my local gp as for a long time now have been suffering from 'bouts' of depression. The bouts would usually last for 2-3 days and then I would feel normal again, back in charge and ready to face the world again with an almost superlike power. The bouts were occurring every 2-3 weeks but recently more often and now twice this past week. I have uncontrollable crying, thoughts of how much better my family would be without me, my husband could find a normal, awesome mother for our kids and live a happy life. My kids are young enough that they will forget me within a few weeks and my husband will find a normal women and have a happy, normal marriage. I have also been turning to alcohol daily, not just a glass but a bottle pretty much a day. At this point I cant even remember my last alcohol free day, its been over a week for sure. Even while consuming so much alcohol I've been able to pass off as normal in between my bouts and even start a running program etc in order to try and get healthier (what a joke). I think I started drinking so much because it made me 'feel' better and normal in the evenings. So back to today, I seen my gp and I've been put on anti depressants and have an appointment with a psychologist in approx 8 weeks.

This obviously means my ttc after waiting so long after my last miscarriage is on hold, possibly permanently. I was on my second day of clomid when this last bout hit (2 days ago) that's how close I was to ttc again!!!! But I think deep down I knew I could never try because of the alcohol abuse and hence this last bout literally brought me to my knees.

The good news is, alcohol is not recommended with these anti depressants so when I start them tomorrow the drinking will stop. I'm hopeful that by feeling 'normal' again I wont feel the need to turn to it.

I've been planning a third baby since October 2014, well pretty much since my second son was born in May that year and the whole ttc process has literally consumed me since. At times I've been obsessive to the point of a little cray cray and I'm sure this has worked against me for the entire time. After 8 cycles of actively ttc (initially swaying pink, then just trying to get pregnant) I got my bfp in december 2015. I was so ecstatic but for such a short time, I had an early miscarriage at 4w6d. This was devastating, like so many before me I never ever dreamed this would happen to me. Shortly after I had some fertility testing done which told me I have poor fertility, BUT I could still get pregnant and that was the main thing.

One clomid cycle and an unmedicated cycle later and giving up and finding that blissful inner peace with what I had in life (whether it was real or not I'll never know) I fell pregnant on a not ttc cyle. It was one bd and at that stage it had been a long time that I dtd for the hell of it. I called it my 'miracle baby'. Because that's exactly what it was to me. I was so sure it was a sign that this was meant to be. I was so ridiculously happy. We had a family reunion planned and I announced to everyone early because I just knew this was it. A week before the reunion I had a scan at my obs office and there was no longer a heartbeat. I had to book a scan in the city that our reunion was in for confirmation that my baby had passed. On our first family gathering at the reunion my brother and his gf announced they were expecting. No warning or heads up, nothing and by that time everyone knew I'd lost mine. I acted very happy for them and of course I was but it hurt, more than I could ever describe. My miscarriage started two days later, the day of my scan and I opted for a medically managed miscarriage. It didn't go well, three weeks later and back home thankfully I had a d&c. To me I think I caused it. My heart and mind just couldn't accept I had lost my miracle baby and therefore my body could not let go. To top everything off, my brothers gf left him and had a late termination and I think this is what has undone me completely. Especially as they are telling people she 'lost' the baby. I said a few things to my brother about her, fully supportive of him (he was against it) but he hasn't spoken to me since and my heart is even more broken.

The ironic thing is, I dislike drama and avoid it as much as possible yet I feel my life this year has been a d grade soap opera and I'm front and centre of it.

To those in the 2ww threads I've participated in lately for support I apologise for my false sense of happiness, I truly felt happy at the time of posting but this depression was always in the background. I wish each and every one of you happiness and success at achieving your bfp. I cant keep coming on here though, I need to get better and staring at ultrasound pics and bfps is not a good idea right now. I think I'm deluding myself thinking I'll be missed hahaha!!

There's a very good chance that the anti depressants and therapy will work wonders and I may still achieve my dream of a third baby a few months away but for now my focus will be trying to live with the fact that I won't and I'm hoping the therapy will help with that. I want to be the mum and wife that my family deserve. That is my main goal right now. So farewell (for now or forever) and thank you to anyone who reads xxoo

Quick special thank you to Magical, Twointow and pinkin, love you girls xxoo

Sent from my GT-I9305T using Tapatalk

[purple]

Pbn I'm really sorry to hear that you have been going through this and feeling so bad all this time. It sounds like you have a good plan in place and I wish you all the very best trying to get better.

Just remember you are the best mother for your boys and they need you. You might think you can be easily replaced but not to them, they love you unconditionally.

We will miss you too but please make sure you focus on yourself before you even think about coming back. You are too important to your family even if you don't feel that way at the moment.

Big hugs and take care xxx

[Magical22]

1 day at a time lovely you will get there day by day! Your lovely DH and beautiful boys need you, you have so so much to look forward to in life. It's hard now but I know this time will pass and you will come out stronger on the other end. Take your time have a break and we hope to see you back on here in the near future. You time


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[2xblue]

Pbn, I remember you well. I'm so sorry you are going through this but like purple and magical said your boys and dh needs you. I can't even imagine what you are going through but I'm sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Take care of yourself.

[MrsSparkles]

So true that we never know what someone is going through, you have always masked this so well.
I feel honoured that you felt able to have shared your heartache and pain with this community.

You are not replaceable in your children's lives and hearts, please read this if you ever feel like that.
At the time of dark depression, it might not ring true, but keep believing in it somehow.

Having lost a family member recently to bipolar, I always wanted to tell him that it will never stay bad.
There is only one thing for certain....when there is rain, there always follows sun <3

[Pink Pony]

Pbn, I can honestly relate to your feelings. I am also on antidepressants as of this last month. Depression and over thinking is a dark and lonely place.

You have taken the first step to healing. We are both a similar age, I have so much regret in life and constantly wish I could turn back the clock.

I can honestly say I do feel better on the meds. Sending you lots of healing love

[twointow83]

Depression is a beast... particularly when you are down enough to be considering ending it all (BTDT). The most important thing is not us but you and your family. That's what truly matters. I really will miss talking to you all the time... I already do but it's more important that you do what you need to be a healthier you. I'll be waiting when you are ready to reconnect. <3

[GirlieCat]

Pbn3 my heart breaks for you and what you are going through. Thank you for sharing. That took courage and shows you really are ready to be honest with yourself and take control of your recovery. You have been so supportive of me and others and I am thankful to you for that. Your boys and DH need you and love you and you are already being a great mom to recognize your weaknesses and take steps to get back on track. Take care of yourself. I will miss you.

[Babygirlquest]

xx

[XXforhubby]

Huge hugs, sweetie! You are doing the best thing for you and your family! I wish you well, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers!



DS1, DS2, DS3
One last pink sway in 2016
My Ovulation Chart