Writing this is the only thing I have left

[Shannshaff]

Oh TP (((HUGS))) I so wish I could just jump out and give you a real hug!!! I have missed you on the boards. I will pray that your thyroid levels begin to stabilize in the right direction and that you will be able to TTC when you know your body is ready.
I had a surprise bfp in a very inopportune time and a few days later mc and it was very traumatic for me. I PRAY that with all you have been through, you are seeing a great counselor. I have also been through sexual abuse and the affects of it can rear it's ugly head at any time. ((HUGS)) You sound so depressed and I pray you are getting the mental help you need (be it medication or counseling) so you can feel better about yourself and your life.
I know in my heart that you will get your Rainbow baby! Hang in there and ask for help or a listening ear anytime and we will be here for you!!!!!!!

[Pinkmama]

I'm in CBT, but I'm caught between appointments which is why I think I'm coming off so unhinged. I feel that way.

Yes, I want to make clear... I won't try until my levels are optimal. That would definitely be self destructive at this point -- we know what would happen. But if they somehow are better... I need to have my baby boy. I need to. I've done so much self reflection, so much waiting, so much work, so many changes. These surprise pregnancies always felt like the biggest sign... like I was being tossed a bone. Then yanked away.

I know I must he coming off awful, and I'm sorry for that.

You are going through a rough patch, it's ok honey. We are all here because we desire our babies fiercely.
The other day I read a post from a mom in this forum. It said something that might be a cliche but it helped me at the time.
Go one step at a time. Don't look for what's ahead, just what you have to do now. The rest will come later. Good luck!


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[Complex Emotions]

You're in my thoughts, TP. I'm so sorry to read all of this.

[meoab]

I am sorry to hear of your losses and what you have been through. TTC can become very dark when doing it strictly and long term.. I am at the same boat and feel some of your pain . Just stay determined! Keep writing here please as we can all support you and eachother. Lots of hugs xx.

[Erin514]

TP, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're going through right now. It's very hard to deal with one loss, much less three.

I really do believe that you will get your boy one day. You know there is no guarantee with swaying, but your posts make you seem like you have such a boy mom personality, plus it sounds like you are extremely fertile to be able to conceive under these circumstances. I think you had a very powerful accidental pink sway with your daughter and you would have very good odds of blue as soon as you can correct the thyroid problem. I know waiting can be so hard when there's a setback TTC. I will be thinking of you and praying that the thyroid problem improves soon so that you can put this dark patch behind you. Please take good care of yourself and don't lose hope.

[atomic sagebrush]

Well, the question I saw was trying this month but now I reread this and you said if your levels got better in the next month. I thought you meant the upcoming cycle and that would be only just 12 months, and you know I like 18 better LOL.

I am trying to optimize your results. I have never, ever, ever told any person they have no hope for a boy. You always do, people coming right off the pink sway menu/guidelines still get boys, and as I said in my previous post, it may be that the ease at which you are falling pregnant, and your naturally boy-mom type mindset may mean you have a good chance. I just want to give optimal odds for people since I know how hard this desire is and how bad it feels to go through all this only to have an opposite.

When you are ready to try, go for it, I'll help how I can.

[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you atomic, and thank you everyone. My midwife suggested I wait a few months after levels are stabilized to be safe. So even if everything was magically better this month, I'd probably not make a go until August. My DD would be 14 months.

I'm trying to focus on other things -- we have a vacation coming up, and a beer fest in July. But my priorities have changed so much. I'd rather be pregnant with my son than have a single drop of alcohol.

[4blue2pink]

TP ive missed you on here, its good to see you back! but on a more serious note i am so sorry to read all that you have been through and are currently going through..

my fingers are crossed that your levels come back to normal and remain under control as soon as possible so that you can continue to try for your boy.

like a few others have already said i also truly believe you are a boy mum!!
in all honesty the extremes-diet and exercise wise that you went to before you conceived your daughter would be ovulation-stopping for many women! if you have a look at the ttc pink boards you will see women struggling with either delayed ov or even no ov at all on a much less extreme diet and exercise regime and what im trying to say is i think you had to *go there* and by *there* i mean to those real extremes to get a girl!!

you are clearly working with super sperm and power eggs combine that with your very very dedicated HE changes and i have every faith you will get your boy(s) <3

so here's to those levels stabilising at your next check and staying that way!! sending lots of love and every bit of positivity and blue dust i can find your way!! we are all behind you 100% xx

[Shannshaff]

Sending you all of my blue dust!!! And I have a TON to spare!!!

[Throwaway_panther]

TP ive missed you on here, its good to see you back! but on a more serious note i am so sorry to read all that you have been through and are currently going through..

my fingers are crossed that your levels come back to normal and remain under control as soon as possible so that you can continue to try for your boy.

like a few others have already said i also truly believe you are a boy mum!!
in all honesty the extremes-diet and exercise wise that you went to before you conceived your daughter would be ovulation-stopping for many women! if you have a look at the ttc pink boards you will see women struggling with either delayed ov or even no ov at all on a much less extreme diet and exercise regime and what im trying to say is i think you had to *go there* and by *there* i mean to those real extremes to get a girl!!

you are clearly working with super sperm and power eggs combine that with your very very dedicated HE changes and i have every faith you will get your boy(s) <3

so here's to those levels stabilising at your next check and staying that way!! sending lots of love and every bit of positivity and blue dust i can find your way!! we are all behind you 100% xx

I want to let you know how much this reponse means to me. Everyone's replies are so lovely as well. I come back and reread this one often though.

I hope you're right!