LolaInLove's Infertility Journey

[LolaInLove]

So, I've been around this site since it started. Before then, I was on IG for a good year. All in all, I started ttc in August of 2010, and my arms are still empty. Almost everyone I know on both sites are pregnant or have babies now. But, I don't want to give up. I flip-flop on how I want to conquer this infertility war every day, and I thought it might be nice to have a thread where I can talk about my journey and what I'm contemplating, how I'm feeling. I wanted to have a thread versus a blog so you all can comment and help direct me anytime. I hope that my journey helps someone, somehow....aside from being cathartic for me.

My story: I have 2 daughters, ages 9 and 7, with my ex-husband. Let's call him SL (for Sith Lord). I got remarried a little over 2 years ago, to my amazing husband R. He has never been married and doesn't have any kids, so really, this mission is for both of us. I very much want R to experience the joy and amazement of ultrasounds, of picking names, of seeing my belly grow, of birth, of getting up in the middle of the night. All of it. He deserves it. After all, this man took me and my two tiny daughters under his wing as his own family and loves us to pieces. I could not ask for a better stepfather for my girls.....and they love him so deeply that it makes me cry sometimes. They call him Daddy-O.

R so needs to have his own child....whether it is his biologically or not, he is the type of guy who would be so thrilled, so touched by every little aspect and treat the whole journey as if it were this precious piece of time that he could have never imagined....and he would be the best father.

When we started TTC and swaying, too, he was such a champ and always on board to do whatever I asked of him. He never cared what gender child we had, but he humored me as I spent countless hours studying swaying, buying supplements and opks, and giving him a new list of foods and drinks and making him quit smoking and drinking soda. Did I mention the trough of supplements I had him take 3 times a day? He never thought swaying was stupid, and every time I'd announce "someone on my forum's sway worked!" he would smile and say that he hoped we were as lucky soon. So, we tried and tried and here we still sit, wondering why we were the unlucky ones, as it turns out.

If you are reading this long thread/blog- thank you for caring about me and wanting to hear my long-winded story. I hope through all of these posts that I help you figure out how to go about your own journey more clearly, and hopefully without any gender disappointment. Each child that we make is such a pure and beautiful blessing, and I would give anything in the world for one, just one more, either gender. I plan to babble a lot about what we've been through here so feel free to post your experiences, the story of your friend's SIL who beat the odds, a long tirade about why I should do this or not do that, whatever.

And lastly, before I end this initial post, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone here on this site who makes it run and run smoothly, and to everyone who spends time here each day making this a thriving village where we can all come and share our hopes, dreams, u/s pics, vents, and heartaches. This forum and you ladies who I have come to know in cyber-fashion have been such a solid place for me to be each and every day. I want to move past feeling sorry for myself and move into a place where I can take action and help make others laugh, if anything.

Hope has two beautiful daughters: their names are anger and courage. Anger that things are the way they are. Courage to make them the way they ought to be. ~St. Augustine

[nuthinbutpink]

I'm glad you posted.

Is IVF out of the question?

[michaela]

I know you know that I understand what you are going through but I still wanted to offer you some HUGS and lots of good luck. Going through infertility is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[DoulaMama]

Huge hugs from me, Hun~ xoxo You WILL hold another baby in your arms. I just feel it Luv to you and yours~ J

[Myloves]

Hugs! Lola, you've gone through so much and you're such a strong lady. I pray that you and your dh will get a baby soon in the near future!

[zanacal]

I'm here to cheer you on every step of the way Lola, whichever way that may be. Lovely introduction x

[begonia]

Lola I think this is a great idea. Thanks for sharing your journey with everyone.

[LolaInLove]

Thank you for all of the support and encouragement! Michaela, you are so right- IF (infertility) is one of the hardest things you can go through. For one, you see people all around you having absolutely no problem getting pregnant left and right....and there is something just gut-wrenching about wanting a baby and knowing you may never have him or her.

Sometimes I feel badly whining about IF because I have 2 kids already.....and for that reason, I am sensitive about not being too whiny. Certainly, if I never have another child, it is not as bad as if I was childless. But, I see my DH as childless many times, even though he has my girls to love. I think what drives me forward so strongly is my love for him and wanting to give him the most precious experience that I think life has to offer. I had a pretty awful and painful existence with SL before I got the courage to leave him.....and I never thought I would meet a man as amazing as R after that. I am grateful on a daily basis for having him in my life, and I don't regret one day or one move I made before I met him, because every step led me right to where I am.

[LolaInLove]

Here is our diagnosis: MFI (male factor infertility). Most stats say that 40% of IF cases are on the balls side. Funny thing about us is that we have conceived before, although none lasted and made it to full baby. Our first was December 2010, with a chemical at 5 weeks. We took a month off, and then ttc in March, and got another bfp. That one ended a little more brutally with a missed miscarriage or blighted ovum, whatever you like to call it, at 10 weeks. At my 8 week appointment, there was nothing in the gestational sac. Not even any excess "matter."

I know a lot of women have been through this. It seems like so many have had loss at one point or another, many of them later, many having to choose to terminate, and so many with early chemical losses. I don't look at one as more emotionally painful than another, really. Knowing that you have a tiny ball of cells in you that one day will be looking up at you with those innocent little eyes, will be walking towards you with first steps, will be shedding a tear as they start their first day of kindergarten....and so forth....and then it is yanked from you like it never happened- words are hard to use here to describe it. I screamed and writhed in my bed in pain that first day after the ultrasound. I screamed at God intensely, like he was punishing me. I had moments of hope where I thought- NO. There is a baby in there, they just couldn't see it....everything will be fine. And then a couple weeks later, my body let it go.

So, part of why this is so hard for us is because of the WHAT IF'S. When R's semen analysis came in, they called me right away and said he needs to see a reproductive urologist, because his count was below 2 million, and a normal count was between 20-60 million. BELOW 2 MILLION??????? They won't even let you try IUI with that kind of count. Dr. P tells me that I would need to do IVF with ICSI (for you non-HTs, where they take the sperm and put it in the egg) with that kind of count. But HOW on earth did we conceive before, two tries in a row at that? I know sperm counts can fluctuate, so we have kept ttc since then, and it's been 10 cycles since then. So I know something is not right.

I have had R on so many vitamins and supplements since we started ttc almost 2 years ago because we were swaying blue. Since the MFI diagnosis, he's been on special supps for boosting sperm count. None of it helps. We are so good at timing intercourse by now, I now exactly when I ovulate. We've tried about every pattern you can think of.....dtd every day, every other day, every third day, abstaining 4 days.....you name it, we've tried it. Of course, I keep going back to the two months we conceived- we did O-3, O-1, and O. We try that one the most. I had this sick feeling that something was wrong with his sperm after we ttc the first few months. Once we got pregnant, my doctor said not to worry about it. Then, I urge her to send him for an SA, and sure enough, it is bad. He doesn't have any morphology issues, and they seem to be fairly normal with motility also, there just aren't many of them.

And bless poor R....he feels SO bad about it. I tell him that he's not infertile, WE are infertile. I don't ever make it about him, although I see the pain in his face a lot. The other painful part is that it may well be his job- and the lifestyle that comes along with it- that is to blame. He's a ballet dancer, as many of you know, and he has to rehearse long hours each day wearing a dancebelt (it's like a thick bra for balls....it's actually a thong that male dancers wear to keep their junk looking smooth and out of the way), and tights and warm up pants. I KNOW he is heating those suckers, and even though he ices them and keeps them as cool as possible when he is not dancing, they get overheated for 8 hours a day, period. And unless he quits dancing, there is not anything we can do about that. Now, he gets a few months off where he dances more sporadically, so there is a break in the summer, but it hasn't seemed to matter for the past couple years. He also had problems eating like a regular man, even though he is very much a regular guy. (You would never know he was a ballet dancer if you met him! It's quite amusing to go out in town and watch new friends we meet ask what he does, then almost choke on their beer when he tells them. They think he's lying at first, then they recognize him from billboards and posters, etc.) Anyway, I have to force feed this man breakfast, I kid you not. All in all, I know these things affect his sperm production, and hopefully, we can figure some way to counter this, or work with it. I don't know yet. All I can say not is that he does his best, because he wants this baby as much as I do.

[Zivic-Bubac]

Lola thank you for sharing your story!
I told you once, I'll tell you again: if you conceived once, you will conceive again. That's just the way it is.
Sperm count can fluctuate. My brother was told he has low sperm count and motility and he'll probably has fertility issues in the future, but soon after he was diagnosed, he's wife got pg all naturally, and now they have 2 boys and want at least 2 more kids.
Keep your DH on supps, they can't hurt! Also please, please try white horehound tea ( there is my thread about it on this board) I believe that tea got me pg ( with a little help from DH ) I took it for 2 cycles ( + zillion other boy supps) and got pg.

Like Zani said, I'm cheering you all the way!!!!!!