Outlander

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Jana I think you may have been hurt by my comment? That wasn't my intention. I only wanted to try explain that the feelings must be so different from each other, I don't believe one desire is stronger than the other...just different. I'm sorry.

The truth is all boy and all girl moms are treated much differently by society. We each carry a different persona that isn't anywhere the perfection of a PP mom. Boy moms, and I stand by this, are pitied by most and considered "unlucky". That is different than a girl mom and most definitely different than a PP mom. That persona that I as a boy mom bear, is depressing for me. To be looked at by fellow moms and be pitied is truly isolating, as if being a mom isn't hard enough! Society more readily accepts women that have all girls...whereas I am often left feeling like an Outlander.


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[2boysJustOneGirl]

My dad also had GD for a boy, I believe. But I am not sure that's why I had GD at all. Honestly, I was very happy as a boy mom for many years, GD was something that really sneaked up on me. I had no gender preference when I got pg with my 3rd son and I was shocked to find myself crying in the bathroom at my ultrasound. It was like, where did this even come from? It was so not me.

I think we are taught to look for some complicated psychological explanation for why we have the feelings that we do but sometimes there is no explanation. The heart wants what it wants.

I don't think anybody intends to have GD, it's like a surprise visit from hell I think. I don't blame my dad for my issues and I guess I relate it back to that because maybe I just connected with him on a level I didn't think possible. When I found out my second baby was another boy I was crushed. So I guess I know how he likely felt when I came along and just knowing that hurts me. That mixture of love and disappointment for your child.


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[PrimalMamma]

Yes to boy mums being pitied, 100%. I'm really feeling it now people are finding out I'm pregnant. "Oh you MUST be hoping for a girl... What are you going to do with THREE boys?!" Like my sons aren't good enough. My friends with mixed genders rubbing it in: "Oh I HOPE it's a girl for you, it's SO different, so much more fun..." And even a one of all-girl parent "I would just DIE if I'd had boys, what do you even DO with them?! I just CAN'T imagine... Anyway I've got HEAPS of AMAZING dresses you can have..." I never answer these people truthfully, I tell them all that I just want a healthy baby & having little boys is super fun & that I'm keen to supply the local football team with as many players as possible. Then I go & cry. And then I feel ashamed that I feel that way at all. My little boys are incredible & amazing & precious beyond words but I want a little girl. And I didn't feel the GD that strongly until I was pregnant. I didn't really have it woth my second DS, I did a little but it was only a moment of feeling a bot bummed out before I was able to embrace having another son. This time I feel like I will be completely devastated. I didn't sway very hard because it didn't matter to me before I was pregnant. Now that I am I have huge regrets & feel like I'm doomed.

[jmomof3girls]

I understand, I would definitely be sad if I didn't have a DD. I do want to let you know that you do also get pity for being an all girl mom. I rude get comments all the time. I have friends tell me stories about their sons and how close they are with them and how special their relationships are with them than their daughters. When I found out DD3 was a girl NOBODY congratulated me. Not even 1 friend or family member. Everyone said "oh". I'll never forget the looks of disappoint on all of their faces because she wasn't a boy. I'm the only one with 3 of one gender around me so I get it. I don't want you to think that it's all sunshine and roses to be an all girl mom. It might be harder for an all boy mom but unless you have a perfect PP you're always going to get the rudeness. Luckily I don't care what people think but if did I would be very depressed. I can see where you must feel very down. Have you decided of you're going to do HT or swaying?

[jmomof3girls]

Oh Jana I'm so sorry that is NOT what anyone is saying here. That is the downside of these threads is that sometimes people say things to make themselves feel better but it makes others feel worse and that is NOT ok. Please ladies, think before you post. Some ladies do want boys and/or want only boys, and I don't think anyone has the right or knowledge to say that the two cannot be compared and it is very hurtful to the blue swayers.

FWIW I had a super strong gender desire for a boy with my first - it was just that I GOT him. I wanted a boy SO bad. I was SO happy when I delivered him. (more than when I had my DD - that was more just a sigh of relief that she was safe and sound) I have no doubt in my mind that I would be here swaying blue if I had had all girls with just as much passion as I had to get my DD.

Aww thanks atomic, you're great! thanks for sharing that story. I love it!!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I understand, I would definitely be sad if I didn't have a DD. I do want to let you know that you do also get pity for being an all girl mom. I rude get comments all the time. I have friends tell me stories about their sons and how close they are with them and how special their relationships are with them than their daughters. When I found out DD3 was a girl NOBODY congratulated me. Not even 1 friend or family member. Everyone said "oh". I'll never forget the looks of disappoint on all of their faces because she wasn't a boy. I'm the only one with 3 of one gender around me so I get it. I don't want you to think that it's all sunshine and roses to be an all girl mom. It might be harder for an all boy mom but unless you have a perfect PP you're always going to get the rudeness. Luckily I don't care what people think but if did I would be very depressed. I can see where you must feel very down. Have you decided of you're going to do HT or swaying?

I don't care what ppl think either. It's the comments and social exclusion from mother-daughter things that gets me down. We are swaying. Soon. How about you?


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[2boysJustOneGirl]

Oh Jana I'm so sorry that is NOT what anyone is saying here. That is the downside of these threads is that sometimes people say things to make themselves feel better but it makes others feel worse and that is NOT ok. Please ladies, think before you post. Some ladies do want boys and/or want only boys, and I don't think anyone has the right or knowledge to say that the two cannot be compared and it is very hurtful to the blue swayers.

FWIW I had a super strong gender desire for a boy with my first - it was just that I GOT him. I wanted a boy SO bad. I was SO happy when I delivered him. (more than when I had my DD - that was more just a sigh of relief that she was safe and sound) I have no doubt in my mind that I would be here swaying blue if I had had all girls with just as much passion as I had to get my DD.

My bad. I think the soy isoflavone is making me very testy. I almost hit my husband in the back of the head with a spoon today! I was being insensitive and not really thinking in my comment.

It's hard to say where i would be without my sons. Maybe I would be content, maybe not. All I know is when you are in the deep GD there is no right thing to say and nobody can tell me what I need to hear.

[PrimalMamma]

Janamom I'm sorry if it sounded unsupportive... I've got a close friend who just got a DS after 2 DDs & I know she had very strong GD. Although admittedly I found it hard to look at her purpose-built walk-in wardrobe full of more tiny dresses & shoes than her two daughters could ever possibly need & understand her GD but I guess that's because she has exactly what I want. There is a loveliness about having sons, I am their first love. They are always telling me I'm beautiful, stroking my face & calling me their "darling", & my 3 year old currently gets very upset when I tell him he can't marry me when he grows up! (apparently he's now going to marry Grandma!) I guess for me it's about being lonely in my own home. Everyone is male here - even the dog! I want someone's hair to braid, I want someone to shop with & in the future I want someone to help choose their dress for their high school formal (Australian for prom). I want someone to take for their first bra fitting & to help navigate through getting her first period & learning to apply makeup. My mum didn't do any of those things, she is a sporty tomboy & wanted me to be like that & I wasn't. And maybe my daughter would be a "throw back" to that but if she is she will have her brothers & her dad & her sporty grandma (& the dog!) to bond with & will be ok.

[trifecta]

I agree that wanting a boy is much the same as wanting a girl. I wanted a boy first, too. It was just something I had envisioned ever since my nephew was born. I think we're all in the same boat; we all feel something is missing. What I empathized with in 2boysJustOneGirl's post was that, like her husband, my husband is thrilled to have two boys and he just doesn't understand at all why I would want anything different since what we have is, in his opinion, perfect.

I've wondered if maybe for mothers of girls-only there's an element of guilt because women often really enjoy that mother-daughter relationship and maybe worry that it's something you're enjoying at your husband's expense. If so it is certainly undeserved guilt and you were no more in control of what sex you had than anyone else.

[Mamato3?]

Being an all girls mom is also very hard. You feel you are not strong enough to produce male offsprings, you feel you have let down your beloved DH and his family (especially when you are close to them and have good relationship) and as far as i'm concerned I have to tolerate with jerks that tease my DH asking him "when are you going to have a son finally?" He doesn't show any sorrow, but I know he feels uncomfortable and it makes my feeling of unsufficiency even worse when these idiots have the chance to hurt his ego because we don't have a son.... Every side of the coin has its issues.