My Loss Story

[LuvMyXYbutWantXX]

Not sure who all reads this board but I am from the HT boards here on GD. I have a beautiful 22 month old son and we have been trying high tech for a daughter since September 2011. My first IVF cycle resulted in a BFN and my most recent IVF cycle was a BFP! At my 7 week u/s I was told baby's heart had stopped beating and at 8 weeks (March 8th) I miscarried. She only ever grew to be around 6 weeks size but at the 6 week scan her heart was beating.

It has almost been a month now since my miscarriage and at times I feel OK but at other times my heart feels like a dagger is being stabbed through it. It feels doubly as hard to have a miscarriage when you also suffer from gender desire. Almost constantly I ache for the loss of my baby, but equally as much I mourn for the daughter I was supposed to have that I will never get to meet. I have wanted a daughter as long as I can remember and as much as I LOVE my son I know I will never feel complete without a little princess. I have a pretty tight circle of friends and out of the 7 of us I am the only one with a son. 5 have daughters and the others have no kids. I feel so left out. I feel like I am "less" than them b/c I don't have a daughter, too. Every time another baby girl pregnancy is announced I cry. I don't know how to bear the pain.

We had 17 eggs on ice but after testing only 3 were normal and they were all boys. So now I have to start over with another stim cycle to retrieve more eggs. Hopefully we get at least 2 girls out of this batch (this is my last prepaid stim cycle, but I still have 2 frozen cycles prepaid for also. So I only have 2 more chances). I am so sad b/c my DH seems to be a genuine BOY maker. Out of the 7 normal embryos we had only 2 were girls and the other 5 were boys. Not sure if that was just unlucky or he truly just creates more boys.

Anyway, just wanted another place to be able to connect with other women who have suffered this type of loss as nobody I know IRL has ever had a miscarriage so nobody seems to understand how to "talk" to me. Although the pain has gotten easier to manage with this past month, I still mourn daily for my baby girl and I don't know when this heartache will truly ever be healed.

[girlmom]

im so sorry hun, i really hope you get a sticky pink bean soon. i think i read somewhere that it usually take like 3 or 4 cycles to get a keeper. hopefully its your turn this time.

[Butterfly Spirit]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost my angel baby on the 2nd of this month at 5 weeks. Swaying wasn't easy as my husband is completely against a third. And I too want a daughter so very much, so I know exactly how you feel. I never thought I would be in this place. But I now know what it's like. It's just horrible, and I can't explain this pain to anyone, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.. losing their baby. I'm just angry and sad every day that passes, and I just wish it was a nightmare I could wake up from.

I wish you luck in having your body return to normal so you can try again.

[PrinceOfTides]

I'm hopeful that at this time you may be carrying another child and that you too will have a Princess.