be absolutely sure that you just don't like kids!!

[atomic sagebrush]

Ok, straight talk here - I have a couple friends who got their desired gender and complain just as much about raising them as ever, and it occurs to me that maybe, just maybe some of us just don't like kids that much. It isn't a boy thing or a girl thing, it's a "some people don't really enjoy having kids" thing...and that is OK. No value judgement implied, it's just one of the many things to investigate about yourself and your own psyche before taking a drastic step like trying to conceive or pursuing high tech. Is it really gender, or is it that you'd just possibly rather be doing adult things and pursuing your own interests at this point in time???

Just be sure when you look at your kids and think "ZOMG boys are so loud and rambunctious" or "My Gosh little girls scream a lot and like drama" that what you're really not saying is, "I am just one of those people that happens to enjoy adult pursuits" before you make a decision that will last for literally the rest of your life.

[trifecta]

I think the opposite is probably also true for some people: if you want more children pursuit of the desired gender can give you a reason or excuse to have more than you originally intended.

[deaks66]

Personally I'm glad to hear people moan about raising their dg as much as the other. I prefer that to people putting their dg on a pedestal. Both genders are hard hard work, that's why parenting is so rewarding even if at the time we moan a lot!

[Leokat]

Know what you mean exactly. Sometimes we blame things on a current situation, not the fact that we maybe aren't suited to that actual situation as people! x

[atomic sagebrush]

Personally I'm glad to hear people moan about raising their dg as much as the other. I prefer that to people putting their dg on a pedestal. Both genders are hard hard work, that's why parenting is so rewarding even if at the time we moan a lot!

I also like this and please don't get me wrong, I am honestly not being judgemental at all. It's not the complaining that I"m talking about. Just that I know a couple people who are really, really not seeming to enjoy their kids, like, at all. They just don't like it. Not everyone does.

I think most of us myself included have been guilty of thinking "if I had a girl she would/wouldn't (insert annoying behavior here)". I just think it's something to consider when planning these life altering decisions that we are potentially taking on, that it may NOT be a boy thing or a girl thing, it might me a "me thing" and just food for thought, for whatever it's worth to anyone else.

[atomic sagebrush]

It's hard when they're little no matter how you slice it. hang in there, it gets easier.

[Dana-Alicia]

To be honest, I was one of thise moms who was really not enjoying being a mom for a long time. So it's a good thing you brought this up Atomic, because I think a lot of moms are feeling this way. It turned out I was just very depressed and completely burned out. Not because of my kids, but because of me. I put me somewhere in the corner and only lived for my kids and my husband. And none of them seemed very grateful. I just felt like a slob, who was picking up after everyone, wiping bums and cooking meals no one likes. It was not them, it was me, I'm a Martha, a perfectionist, and it's never good enough what I do, ever. Once I got therapy and meds AND took more time for me, also took care of me, I am now honestly so content with being a mother. Before I wanted a daughter, because I felt I deserved it. A daughter would be easier, I should have had a daughter, she was taken from me before I could even meet her and now I deserved her back! But that's not how life works. I always had the excuses of not having time to do something for me, as the kids needed me. But I truly believe now it's like being on a plane and the airpressure drops. First save yourself, then your kids. Once you got that sorted, see if you still want another one, desired gender or not. Now I feel I still want a girl, but for different reasons. Not because I deserve it, not because she needs me or I need her. But because I want this for my family, to complete us as a whole. I doubt I could ever put a girl on a pedestole solely, as my boys will share that spot with her! And they will all be equally lovely and annoying all together. In the end, all our kids need us to love them for who they are, not their gender.

[atomic sagebrush]

Thanks you guys so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings!!!

[XXforhubby]

I know for my DH the thought of having four kids is too much for him. We have close relatives with four, young kids and he doesn't want that. I could, but I would like to go back to work before I'm 40, lol!

I wanted another baby, and we are having one! He is healthy and our boys are excited to have another brother. I feel we are in a good place and worry that having a fourth would be too stressful on our marriage, since DH has anxiety just talking about a fourth child. I know that things could change, but a lot would have to change! We would have to move to a larger house, DH would need a promotion, I wouldn't go back to work until I'm 40, etc. The only way it would work is if we had to make it work and had a pleasant surprise! But even then DH and I would both be panicking, lol!!


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[Adia]

OMG, don't get me started on this one.

I was raised in a religion, (that shall remain nameless so as not to offend), where culturally families have a lot of kids. I was raised with 6 siblings and knew many families that had 7+ kids. My mom really wanted kids when she was young but by the time she had #7 she just checked out and the older kids raised the younger kids.

I realize this sounds like a "big family debate" but I really think people who WANT 7 kids can handle 7 kids with the proper resources. I would have loved to have had more kids but I don't have time, fertility or money on my side so #4 is the end of the road.

DH also had 6 siblings and his parents couldn't afford even 1. MIL was a decent mother, but has NEVER struck me as someone who REALLY wanted kids. She just played along with FIL wanting to prove his manlyhood and maintain a certain status in the religion. As a result DH and his siblings were malnourished as kids and seriously neglected in some pretty heavy areas that have left long term damage and scars.

Then their was my aunt. She was married to total pig the first time and had 8 kid, they couldn't afford one kid, not joking, but had 8 in the name of religion. My aunt hates kids, she was the WORST mother I have ever seen, abusive, cruel, horrible, spiteful, hypocritical, and a miserable person to be around. Then she divorces and marries her 2nd husband. Goes on to have 2 more kids because neither she nor him can figure out how to use birth control. Mind you these are people in their 40's who both have very advanced college degrees. The 2 most recent kids are the most neglected kids I have ever met but have more than most when it comes to material items!

I saw so much of that nonsense growing up. People who had kids AND DIDN'T REALLY WANT KIDS but wanted to maintain a certain status in their religion. I have SILs and BILs who have a certain number of kids just to feel like they fit in, they are CLEARLY not people who deeply desired to have and raise children, but they deeply desire to be a part of a greater society and one way to maintain status in that group is to have a certain number of kids to fit in.

Honestly, I have always felt bad for the kids themselves. I have seen some who went on to repeat the cycle but I have seen many who broke the cycle.

If nothing else seeing all that growing up made me think long and hard about having children and the number that I could live with. I am probably one of the most critical people when it comes to the topic of having kids when you don't really want them, but on the other side I am one of the most supportive people when it comes to those who DON"T want to have kids.

I apologize for the rant and sincerely hope I haven't offended anyone but this in one topic that gets me going...obviously!