Roll on christmas - am feeling so down

[Mrs_P]

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments (and for not thinking i'm insane or a completely horrible person). It makes such a difference to share these things with people who understand. I don't think i'm going to feel better until i have confirmation and can move on, whatever the outcome, but knowing i have wonderful people who i can talk to really helps me deal with the feelings. With Toby i hid everything from everyone as no-one understood or really cared and it made it all the harder to put a brave face on and feeling so alone, going crazy trapped inside my own head and feeling like the worst mother ever.

[Mrs_P]

Having a really really bad today everything is going wrong.

I took on my new job temporarily on a trial a few months ago but part of the deal was i have to have a car, so i went out and brought a cheap (but still £500 which i hadn't really got) car to do my 3 month trial with and just found out the trial has been extended for another 3 months after which if everything is ok it all go through job evaluation to create a post, so all in all it will take approx a YEAR to be sorted. During this time i am out of pocket as its costing me money to run a car that i am only using twice a week for work and don't otherwise need and whats worse, apart from the fact that i have the running costs, they will take the mileage allowance i get paid (which only just covers petrol) as income and they will reduce our tax credits - so i am doing a difficult job (easily 50% more salary than i am on now) for free, its costing me money and on top of it all the car that i need and has cost me a fortune won't start this morning. Stupid thing and with christmas coming up i have no spare money so if i fix it christmas presents go out the window but i can't do my job without it!

To make matters worse, i got my uni result to and i failed my exam which means that my lovely first that i had attained for my coursework now becomes a third for that module, what a waste of nine months worth of work. My grade usually suffers at the end and comes down to a 2:1 overall at exam time but i figure with work and 3 kids i do ok and thats still a good degree but this felt like a kick in the teeth.

On top of it all i'm having a really bad gd day and keep bursting into tears for no reason and at anything. I know they aren't major things but i just feel like everything is going tits up (sorry) and am so down and fed up of problems and all time my heart is breaking inside for the daughter i will never have i just want to run away!

[auroara78]

Oh hun, big big

That really sucks about the job thing. That is so much pressure! It would drive me crazy!

And about the gender thing, you really do not know if this baby is truly a boy or not. I've read your sway and I think it was really good, esp. the Clomid. I know Clomid is no magic bullet but it does seem pretty effective for the swayers. I know it's tough, but...would it hurt you a lot more to just think and daydream about what if you did hear girl? I fought it for some time during this pregnancy, but once I gave in, and let the dreams happen, it really helped me relax some, and I did keep it in my mind that the baby could still be a boy too, but before I knew what the baby was, I needed an out. I was too stressy about the what ifs, so I just decided to enjoy fantasizes before I knew.

Again, I wouldn't want you to daydreams if it would hurt you too much. But, maybe, having a little faith that you could very well be having a girl could help too.

[Mrs_P]

Thanks Auroara, i have done the dream thing, when i was swaying i had so many dreams and such a feeling i'd get a girl next (i even saw her face and heard her name, a name that both dh and i love and the only girl name we ever agreed on, i mentioned it to him after the dream and loved it) but now its happened all i see is a boy. I had this before with ds3 i saw a little boy and his name Charlie (always been our back up name) but i let myself go against my gut and believe i could be lucky but i wasn't and it was such a harder place to fall from. I never did get the little boy in my dream but i def got my Toby and he is all boy - i think its a sign that my body is trying to tell me something. This time i need to listen and deal with it x

[auroara78]

Ah, Mrs_P, fair enough for sure.

Will you get an early scan for peace of mind?

[Mrs_P]

Ah, Mrs_P, fair enough for sure.

Will you get an early scan for peace of mind?

one way or another i need to know as soon as i can so i can deal with before gd grabs me too badly - for me the not knowing is worse than finding out and hearing boy. Daft i know but i struggle to deal with the hope

[Mum23boys]

Hwy hunny bunch how you feeling today ? As of today I have officially become a member of the GD group !!! As you know ive been fine with anoter boy from day 1 of ttc back in June but today having yet another friend announce their pregnancy and anoter friend confirming her new Boy Girl family I just feel sure i will be te one popping out a boy as they have both been blessed with one of eac and here I am about to have a 4th boy - i know that in itself is magic ad unique but i cant help feeling they will be sniggering behind my back and feeling all smug in themselves for having 1 of each. I just feel like curling up i a ball and crying and i really thought until now i was fine - clearly not !!!

[Adia]

I know i should wait and see results of the nt this time and blood test results but that would then mean amnio which is safer and done later on, after which time we would have had to have told everyone we are pregnant and dh's family are strongly religious and anti-abortion so benefit of cvs is we can do it before we tell anyone. I know its not something a lot of people agree with (termination for dodgy test results) and that some would keep the baby no matter what (i was one of these with my first 3) but now i need to put my family and myself first and be fair to the baby, i know its something i couldn't handle

If you can get a CVS I would strongly recommend it. If you even think their are genetic concerns then I would push for that. And a bonus would be finding out the gender. If you find out the gender than you can make a decision while you still have time. I think abortion is a tough call, but very very important to have that option. If another boy is going to gut you and just be too much then do what's right for you and your family.

Hang in there. You are juggling a lot right now and being prego with gd doesn't help.

[Mrs_P]

If you can get a CVS I would strongly recommend it. If you even think their are genetic concerns then I would push for that. And a bonus would be finding out the gender. If you find out the gender than you can make a decision while you still have time. I think abortion is a tough call, but very very important to have that option. If another boy is going to gut you and just be too much then do what's right for you and your family.

Hang in there. You are juggling a lot right now and being prego with gd doesn't help.

Thank you for that lovely comment and for not judging me - it really makes a huge difference, i don't know what i would do without the support on here

[Mrs_P]

Hwy hunny bunch how you feeling today ? As of today I have officially become a member of the GD group !!! As you know ive been fine with anoter boy from day 1 of ttc back in June but today having yet another friend announce their pregnancy and anoter friend confirming her new Boy Girl family I just feel sure i will be te one popping out a boy as they have both been blessed with one of eac and here I am about to have a 4th boy - i know that in itself is magic ad unique but i cant help feeling they will be sniggering behind my back and feeling all smug in themselves for having 1 of each. I just feel like curling up i a ball and crying and i really thought until now i was fine - clearly not !!!

Oh no hunny not you to your the strong one, when i feel myself really sinking low i always look up your posts. You take the idea of 4th boy with such grace and positivity it really gives me a good kick up the bum to count my blessings and to stop feeling so selfish.

Maybe GD is something none of us can escape however, strong we try to be, our dreams are just too deeply routed and hard to give up upon. It just seems so hard that we are attentive loving moms to our little boy, we take what we have been dealt with a smile and try our best to be the best moms possible, is it too much to just hope for one little girl, just to fill the void and take the sad feelings away. My boys are my world (and i honestly would not trade a single one of them for a girl - although anyone wanting a boy i will swap this one!!) but how can i be the best mom and the mom they deserve when a part of me feels missing and numb. I know i would not love a girl more, it would just make me more content. It would not be about her or dresses or bows, she could be whoever she is mean't to be and loved regardless (same as the boys) i just need that balance - why is that so hard or so wrong?

It really does break my heart all the girls hearing opposites and all the sadness - i really hope we could all live the dream one day xxx